How often should my spouse and I have sex?

Question: How many times a week does a "healthy" couple have sex?

Our Response: This is a common concern and one of the main reasons people seek marriage counseling. According to Marriage Missions International (www.marriagemissions.com/how-much-sex-is-normal/) 20% of couples are living "sexless" marriages, which means they are having sex less than ten times per year. Additionally, 1/3 of all couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desires. This demonstrates that there are definite concerns and problems in this area of marriages. According to their research only 40% of married couples say they are satisfied with their sex lives.

Before we get to the real heart of this issue, a quick answer to the question is that according to the same research, 1-2 times per week is considered "average". The reality, however, is that sex is an expression of intimacy in marriage.

Intimacy is based on many factors such as honesty, trust, authenticity, respect, and communication. So, a truly healthy sex life begins with open and honest communication about our desires with our spouse. We should be able to communicate our desires and be open to the desires of our spouse. If this does not seem like a conversation that could be had with your spouse the issue might not be sex, but communication.

When trust has been violated (which is often the case when a spouse has discovered their partner engaging in pornographic or extra-marital sexual sin), it requires a deliberate and timely process to restore. Trust has been compared to a savings account, "It is hard to build up and easy to deplete."

Sometimes, our spouses may feel disrespected by our sexual desires. This is common when spouses suggest doing things "a different way", "trying something new", or requests something specific, like oral sex. In situations like this it is important to consider why our spouse feels disrespected. Is there a valid reason for them to feel this way? Are we asking them to engage in something that violates the sanctity of marriage (such as watching pornography while having sex)? Does our request remind them of a situation where they were violated or disrespected in the past? The bottom line is that true love leads to true intimacy between a husband and wife, and true love always puts the other persons needs and desires before our own.

The reality is that if you are completely satisfied with the way your needs are being met and your spouse is completely satisfied with the way their needs are being met, then your sex life is everything it should be no matter how frequent or infrequent you have sex. On the other hand, if you are in a marriage where the sex drives are mismatched, you are not alone. You should make it your goal to move towards accommodating your spouses desires as the intimacy in your marriage grows, in as much as they are honoring to the Lord and to you. Help your spouse to understand what intimacy (not sex) looks like to you. If your spouse communicates this with you, listen carefully and remember that healthy sex is the result of intimacy not the avenue to intimacy.

Other factors that have an impact on sex drives include things like health, age, stress levels, time constraints, and hormonal fluctuations. If you have a serious concern about the sexual health of your marriage, we encourage you to seek a Christian marriage counselor for advise before this leads to larger problems in your marriage.

For some additional resourses visit www.marriagemissions.com.