So What about Masturbation?

This is a very long post because it is really a conglomeration of several different questions in one.

Questions- What does the bible say about masturbation? What should a parent say to their teenager about masturbation? What about masturbation within the marriage if one of the spouses is deployed in the military? What about if my spouse travels a lot on business?

Our Response- Well this is a topic everyone is in a hurry to talk about! Let me first start by saying that there is not a single scripture in the bible that either condemns or condones masturbation! Not a single one!

There is a lot of great material out there that covers the topic of "God's opinion" of masturbation in a lot more detail than in this blog. I would recommend the book “Crazy Good Sex” by Dr. Les Parrott and information from Dr. James Dobson’s “Focus on the Family” if you would like an in depth study on the topic. What I will cover here is only the tip of the iceberg, but the reality is that Christians have largely varying opinions of this topic.

There are some who call it sabotage and sin. One Christian writer said, “First, there is no biological necessity for masturbation; second, masturbation is a solo act, and God created us as sexual beings to bring men and women together; third, the fantasies and thought life that accompany the act can be sinful.”

Another well known Christians Psychologist said, “The secretiveness and privateness of masturbation will always remain, in my opinion, it most damaging aspect. And the more we condemn it, the more we keep it secret and private.” Yet a seminary professor said, “It’s high time we stop making such a big deal of masturbation and give it the well-deserved unimportance it merits.”

So your wondering, “Is it ok or not?” Masturbation, simply put, is a wisdom issue. Let’s begin by talking about when masturbation is harmful and sinful.
#1-When it entails a lifestyle of lust: The question then becomes, “What is lust?” Lust is defined as a strong desire that becomes sinful. Sinful is the key word! You can have a strong desire for food but it doesn’t become sinful until you enter into gluttony. I like what Dr. Les Parrott write in his book “Crazy Good Sex” –pg. 154 –“ In the same way, a strong sexual desire is not sinful until it becomes a perversion of what God intended for you. After all, God created you as a sexual being. These thoughts originate out of his design for us. It is normal, dare I say godly, to be aroused. God does not want us to repress our sexuality. But He does want us to manage it. That’s why it is the amount of time, intensity, and priority we give to getting aroused that leads to lust.”

#2-When it becomes compulsive: Compulsive means uncontrollable. When a person has tried unsuccessfully to curb their masturbation, even when it has negative consequences like negatively impacting their sexual relationship with their spouse, it has become compulsive.

#3-When it becomes a substitute for real sex: Paul tells us that abstaining for sex is ok when we are fasting and praying but he says that afterwards we should come together (have sex) so Satan won’t be able to tempt us! (1 Cor. 7:5) When masturbation becomes more enjoyable than the intimacy of sex in your marriage it is unhealthy to say the least! The reality is that it is easier to masturbate than it is to invest into the intimacy in our marriage and create the environment of mutual respect, love, and communication that leads to sex in marriage. This selfish approach towards self-gratification destroys intimacy in a marriage, because love is about giving, not taking!

Now what about the questions that were asked? Let’s try to answer them.

Question #1- What does the bible say about masturbation? Nothing…not one single scripture!

#2- How do I talk to my teenagers about masturbation? First, if you are a parent of teenagers you need to be realistic about the fact that teens today are being bombarded by sexuality and the wrong message about sex. If you aren’t talking to them about sex, be assured that everyone else still is! The norms are changing as it relates to sexuality among teens. There was a time when masturbation was a topic that was assumed to be a “boy problem.” Reliable research reveals that over 90% of males masturbate to orgasm and close to 50% of females masturbate to orgasm. If you are a parent with a pre-teen/teen I suggest getting materials from Dr. James Dobson. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/sexuality.aspx Material like this will help you to be informed and equipped to open up the lines of conversation about the damage of pornography, the dangers of sexual addiction, and the healthy understanding of sexual development.


#3- What about masturbation within the marriage if one of the spouses is deployed in the military? What about if my spouse travels a lot on business? In a church full of military personal, this is a question that is dealt with by more couples than you may assume. The reality is that this is an issue that must be resolved between a husband and wife. There are couples who feel it is sin. If they were to do it then their hearts would condemn them. There are couples who feel it is ok because it gets rid of the temptation to look at pornography or fantasize while physically separated.

It seems that when we consider that marriage is about a husband and a wife and healthy sexuality is exclusive to them, biblically there would not be a sin committed in a situation where a husband and wife agreed that they would masturbate to thoughts of one another exclusively, while physically separated. Personal conviction also comes into the picture because the reality that some people have a past defined by sexual immorality that may make it difficult or impossible to maintain purity in their thoughts if they were to masturbate. The Holy Spirit should be our guide in a sensitive topic like this, but remember, all healthy sexuality draws a husband and wife closer together, even if they are physically separated.

I hope this has helped!

Spicing things up!

Question- Is it wrong for a married couple to enjoy lingerie, or other things that “spice up” the bedroom?

Our Response- This doesn’t have a straight across the board answer. It really boils down to the couple. Lingerie, alternate positions, and things used to enhance or mix up sexual pleasure can add some excitement, anticipation, and fun to your sex life. Remember that it is a MYTH that your sex life inside your marriage has to become boring! You can spice things up!

Husbands and wives should be communicating continually about their sex life. A wife should know what pleases her husband and likewise a husband should know what pleases his wife. Sometimes it is hard for a couple to come right out and talk about their sex life. If that’s the case you can break the ice by writing notes. Not only will this make it easier to start the conversation but a lot of times it can also start a great night of sex.

The reality is that the Bible doesn’t forbid “spicing things up” as long as the excitement is limited to a husband with his wife. Hebrews 13:4 tells us that the marriage bed should be kept pure, in reference to adultery and sexual immorality. It seems that the only boundaries listed in scripture are that the only two people that should be involved in the excitement are a husband and his wife. This would imply that pornography does not have a place in a marriage, even if it agreed upon between a couple. Neither do things like voyeurism, or public displays of sexuality. Remember that Proverbs 5:16-17 says that the beauty of our sexuality should not be shared with anyone other than our spouse. Beyond that, whatever is mutually agreed upon by a couple and intensifies the intimacy level of a marriage seems to be ok with God.

Lets take the example of lingerie. Some might say, “It’s wrong to make your wife dress up in lingerie…you should love her the way she is!”

In a healthy marriage, it is understandable that a woman would want to look sexy for her husband. For many man, lingerie is definitely one way to do that. Everyone may not share that opinion, and that’s ok. If you don’t think your wife should dress up in lingerie and she doesn’t want to dress up in lingerie than that is fine. However if the husband wants his wife to dress up and the wife is resistant to it than it is probably a great opportunity to sit down and really talk about the underlying issue. This is a very important time for the husband to listen to his wife’s concerns and then relate to her with his patience, love, and understanding.

But to those couples who are in agreement about this…have fun with it! Husbands give your wife some money and let her go shopping at Victoria’s Secret! Remember, the most important thing is that intimacy is being encouraged. Love is about giving, lust is about taking!