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Question: How many times a week does a "healthy" couple have sex?
Our Response: This is a common concern and one of the main reasons people seek marriage counseling. According to Marriage Missions International (www.marriagemissions.com/how-much-sex-is-normal/) 20% of couples are living "sexless" marriages, which means they are having sex less than ten times per year. Additionally, 1/3 of all couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desires. This demonstrates that there are definite concerns and problems in this area of marriages. According to their research only 40% of married couples say they are satisfied with their sex lives.
Before we get to the real heart of this issue, a quick answer to the question is that according to the same research, 1-2 times per week is considered "average". The reality, however, is that sex is an expression of intimacy in marriage.
Intimacy is based on many factors such as honesty, trust, authenticity, respect, and communication. So, a truly healthy sex life begins with open and honest communication about our desires with our spouse. We should be able to communicate our desires and be open to the desires of our spouse. If this does not seem like a conversation that could be had with your spouse the issue might not be sex, but communication.
When trust has been violated (which is often the case when a spouse has discovered their partner engaging in pornographic or extra-marital sexual sin), it requires a deliberate and timely process to restore. Trust has been compared to a savings account, "It is hard to build up and easy to deplete."
Sometimes, our spouses may feel disrespected by our sexual desires. This is common when spouses suggest doing things "a different way", "trying something new", or requests something specific, like oral sex. In situations like this it is important to consider why our spouse feels disrespected. Is there a valid reason for them to feel this way? Are we asking them to engage in something that violates the sanctity of marriage (such as watching pornography while having sex)? Does our request remind them of a situation where they were violated or disrespected in the past? The bottom line is that true love leads to true intimacy between a husband and wife, and true love always puts the other persons needs and desires before our own.
The reality is that if you are completely satisfied with the way your needs are being met and your spouse is completely satisfied with the way their needs are being met, then your sex life is everything it should be no matter how frequent or infrequent you have sex. On the other hand, if you are in a marriage where the sex drives are mismatched, you are not alone. You should make it your goal to move towards accommodating your spouses desires as the intimacy in your marriage grows, in as much as they are honoring to the Lord and to you. Help your spouse to understand what intimacy (not sex) looks like to you. If your spouse communicates this with you, listen carefully and remember that healthy sex is the result of intimacy not the avenue to intimacy.
Other factors that have an impact on sex drives include things like health, age, stress levels, time constraints, and hormonal fluctuations. If you have a serious concern about the sexual health of your marriage, we encourage you to seek a Christian marriage counselor for advise before this leads to larger problems in your marriage.
For some additional resourses visit www.marriagemissions.com.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Our opinion on homosexuality
Questions from readers: Many churches teach different things about Homosexuality. So which is right? Are homosexuals all going to hell? Is it OK to be homosexual? Some churches even have homosexual pastors. Seems like Christians are more confused about this than people who don't go to church, and I am one of them.
Our Thoughts: Homosexuality is a topic that has split the body of Christ and is still very controversial. The problem is that there are extremists on both sides of this argument who both seem to completely ignore the Bible.
People who would argue that homosexuality is not a sin do so based on the argument that homosexuality was defined as sin in Biblical times because of cultural issues with this lifestyle. They would say that homosexuality is no more a sin today than women speaking in church (1 Corinthians 14:34-35), which was a cultural rule that we obviously do not follow in today's culture.
On the other hand, people who believe that God hates homosexuals and that they are condemned to hell would do so based on 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 which lists "homosexuals" among a category of people who will not inherit the Kingdom of God. They would also quote Leviticus 20:13, citing that the act of homosexual sex was punishable by death in the Old Testament.
The problem with both of these stances is that they are not based on the entirety of scripture.
Those who would say that homosexuality was a "cultural sin" fail to recognize that there is not a place in scripture where homosexuality is not addressed as sin. In in both the Old and New Testament, homosexual sex is ALWAYS addressed as sin (references). Let's compare this to a cultural issue, like women being allowed to speak in church. If you read 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 the implication is that women speaking in church is "disgraceful" (cultural), not "sinful" (Biblical). Paul addresses the call to be "submissive" as the Law states. Additionally, God used many women to fulfill his plans and proclaim his truth throughout the entire Bible.
Those who desire to shun and condemn homosexuals to hell based on 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, need to go back and read who else is included in that list..."the sexual immoral, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, thieves, greedy people,drunkards, slanderers, and swindlers". Have you ever stolen something? Have you ever gotten a little too tipsy? Have you ever slandered someone? All of the sins listed are enough to separate a person from the love of God for eternity, if they do not repent and accept Christ as their Savior. But now, lets read the next verse (1 Corinthians 6:11): "And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
So here is our opinion...homosexuality is sin, just like getting drunk, looking at Internet porn, slandering your president, etc. The Body of Christ should offer grace, mercy, and unconditional love to anyone, regardless of what particular sin or expression of sexual brokenness they happen to be struggling with.
Homosexuality is a result of sexual brokenness just like any other sexual sin. We believe a Christian can struggle with homosexuality just like a Christian can struggle with pornography, gluttony (hello pastors), or any other sin when our eyes are not fixed on Jesus (Hebrews 12:1-3).
The church is the place where people should be welcome to come just as they are, no matter who they are, and hear the life-transforming message of the Gospel. I have Christian friends who struggle with homosexuality, and we are glad that Freedom Life Church is a place where those living in lifestyles of homosexuality have felt welcome attending. I pray that never changes. This may make some people feel uncomfortable, but remember that list in 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 the next time you decide you want to judge who is worthy of God's love and who isn't. We are all on a journey together even though we each begin our journey from different places and face unique obstacles.
For more info go to www.exodusinternational.org
Our Thoughts: Homosexuality is a topic that has split the body of Christ and is still very controversial. The problem is that there are extremists on both sides of this argument who both seem to completely ignore the Bible.
People who would argue that homosexuality is not a sin do so based on the argument that homosexuality was defined as sin in Biblical times because of cultural issues with this lifestyle. They would say that homosexuality is no more a sin today than women speaking in church (1 Corinthians 14:34-35), which was a cultural rule that we obviously do not follow in today's culture.
On the other hand, people who believe that God hates homosexuals and that they are condemned to hell would do so based on 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 which lists "homosexuals" among a category of people who will not inherit the Kingdom of God. They would also quote Leviticus 20:13, citing that the act of homosexual sex was punishable by death in the Old Testament.
The problem with both of these stances is that they are not based on the entirety of scripture.
Those who would say that homosexuality was a "cultural sin" fail to recognize that there is not a place in scripture where homosexuality is not addressed as sin. In in both the Old and New Testament, homosexual sex is ALWAYS addressed as sin (references). Let's compare this to a cultural issue, like women being allowed to speak in church. If you read 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 the implication is that women speaking in church is "disgraceful" (cultural), not "sinful" (Biblical). Paul addresses the call to be "submissive" as the Law states. Additionally, God used many women to fulfill his plans and proclaim his truth throughout the entire Bible.
Those who desire to shun and condemn homosexuals to hell based on 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, need to go back and read who else is included in that list..."the sexual immoral, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, thieves, greedy people,drunkards, slanderers, and swindlers". Have you ever stolen something? Have you ever gotten a little too tipsy? Have you ever slandered someone? All of the sins listed are enough to separate a person from the love of God for eternity, if they do not repent and accept Christ as their Savior. But now, lets read the next verse (1 Corinthians 6:11): "And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
So here is our opinion...homosexuality is sin, just like getting drunk, looking at Internet porn, slandering your president, etc. The Body of Christ should offer grace, mercy, and unconditional love to anyone, regardless of what particular sin or expression of sexual brokenness they happen to be struggling with.
Homosexuality is a result of sexual brokenness just like any other sexual sin. We believe a Christian can struggle with homosexuality just like a Christian can struggle with pornography, gluttony (hello pastors), or any other sin when our eyes are not fixed on Jesus (Hebrews 12:1-3).
The church is the place where people should be welcome to come just as they are, no matter who they are, and hear the life-transforming message of the Gospel. I have Christian friends who struggle with homosexuality, and we are glad that Freedom Life Church is a place where those living in lifestyles of homosexuality have felt welcome attending. I pray that never changes. This may make some people feel uncomfortable, but remember that list in 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 the next time you decide you want to judge who is worthy of God's love and who isn't. We are all on a journey together even though we each begin our journey from different places and face unique obstacles.
For more info go to www.exodusinternational.org
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Looking forward to getting started
Well, this weekend we start the series, "Desperate Sex Lives: Love, Dating, and Happily Ever After" by looking at the Power of Love. Looking forward to working with Chris and Dub to respond to your questions!
Be blessed,
Freddy
Be blessed,
Freddy
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