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This is a very long post because it is really a conglomeration of several different questions in one.
Questions- What does the bible say about masturbation? What should a parent say to their teenager about masturbation? What about masturbation within the marriage if one of the spouses is deployed in the military? What about if my spouse travels a lot on business?
Our Response- Well this is a topic everyone is in a hurry to talk about! Let me first start by saying that there is not a single scripture in the bible that either condemns or condones masturbation! Not a single one!
There is a lot of great material out there that covers the topic of "God's opinion" of masturbation in a lot more detail than in this blog. I would recommend the book “Crazy Good Sex” by Dr. Les Parrott and information from Dr. James Dobson’s “Focus on the Family” if you would like an in depth study on the topic. What I will cover here is only the tip of the iceberg, but the reality is that Christians have largely varying opinions of this topic.
There are some who call it sabotage and sin. One Christian writer said, “First, there is no biological necessity for masturbation; second, masturbation is a solo act, and God created us as sexual beings to bring men and women together; third, the fantasies and thought life that accompany the act can be sinful.”
Another well known Christians Psychologist said, “The secretiveness and privateness of masturbation will always remain, in my opinion, it most damaging aspect. And the more we condemn it, the more we keep it secret and private.” Yet a seminary professor said, “It’s high time we stop making such a big deal of masturbation and give it the well-deserved unimportance it merits.”
So your wondering, “Is it ok or not?” Masturbation, simply put, is a wisdom issue. Let’s begin by talking about when masturbation is harmful and sinful.
#1-When it entails a lifestyle of lust: The question then becomes, “What is lust?” Lust is defined as a strong desire that becomes sinful. Sinful is the key word! You can have a strong desire for food but it doesn’t become sinful until you enter into gluttony. I like what Dr. Les Parrott write in his book “Crazy Good Sex” –pg. 154 –“ In the same way, a strong sexual desire is not sinful until it becomes a perversion of what God intended for you. After all, God created you as a sexual being. These thoughts originate out of his design for us. It is normal, dare I say godly, to be aroused. God does not want us to repress our sexuality. But He does want us to manage it. That’s why it is the amount of time, intensity, and priority we give to getting aroused that leads to lust.”
#2-When it becomes compulsive: Compulsive means uncontrollable. When a person has tried unsuccessfully to curb their masturbation, even when it has negative consequences like negatively impacting their sexual relationship with their spouse, it has become compulsive.
#3-When it becomes a substitute for real sex: Paul tells us that abstaining for sex is ok when we are fasting and praying but he says that afterwards we should come together (have sex) so Satan won’t be able to tempt us! (1 Cor. 7:5) When masturbation becomes more enjoyable than the intimacy of sex in your marriage it is unhealthy to say the least! The reality is that it is easier to masturbate than it is to invest into the intimacy in our marriage and create the environment of mutual respect, love, and communication that leads to sex in marriage. This selfish approach towards self-gratification destroys intimacy in a marriage, because love is about giving, not taking!
Now what about the questions that were asked? Let’s try to answer them.
Question #1- What does the bible say about masturbation? Nothing…not one single scripture!
#2- How do I talk to my teenagers about masturbation? First, if you are a parent of teenagers you need to be realistic about the fact that teens today are being bombarded by sexuality and the wrong message about sex. If you aren’t talking to them about sex, be assured that everyone else still is! The norms are changing as it relates to sexuality among teens. There was a time when masturbation was a topic that was assumed to be a “boy problem.” Reliable research reveals that over 90% of males masturbate to orgasm and close to 50% of females masturbate to orgasm. If you are a parent with a pre-teen/teen I suggest getting materials from Dr. James Dobson. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/sexuality.aspx Material like this will help you to be informed and equipped to open up the lines of conversation about the damage of pornography, the dangers of sexual addiction, and the healthy understanding of sexual development.
#3- What about masturbation within the marriage if one of the spouses is deployed in the military? What about if my spouse travels a lot on business? In a church full of military personal, this is a question that is dealt with by more couples than you may assume. The reality is that this is an issue that must be resolved between a husband and wife. There are couples who feel it is sin. If they were to do it then their hearts would condemn them. There are couples who feel it is ok because it gets rid of the temptation to look at pornography or fantasize while physically separated.
It seems that when we consider that marriage is about a husband and a wife and healthy sexuality is exclusive to them, biblically there would not be a sin committed in a situation where a husband and wife agreed that they would masturbate to thoughts of one another exclusively, while physically separated. Personal conviction also comes into the picture because the reality that some people have a past defined by sexual immorality that may make it difficult or impossible to maintain purity in their thoughts if they were to masturbate. The Holy Spirit should be our guide in a sensitive topic like this, but remember, all healthy sexuality draws a husband and wife closer together, even if they are physically separated.
I hope this has helped!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Spicing things up!
Question- Is it wrong for a married couple to enjoy lingerie, or other things that “spice up” the bedroom?
Our Response- This doesn’t have a straight across the board answer. It really boils down to the couple. Lingerie, alternate positions, and things used to enhance or mix up sexual pleasure can add some excitement, anticipation, and fun to your sex life. Remember that it is a MYTH that your sex life inside your marriage has to become boring! You can spice things up!
Husbands and wives should be communicating continually about their sex life. A wife should know what pleases her husband and likewise a husband should know what pleases his wife. Sometimes it is hard for a couple to come right out and talk about their sex life. If that’s the case you can break the ice by writing notes. Not only will this make it easier to start the conversation but a lot of times it can also start a great night of sex.
The reality is that the Bible doesn’t forbid “spicing things up” as long as the excitement is limited to a husband with his wife. Hebrews 13:4 tells us that the marriage bed should be kept pure, in reference to adultery and sexual immorality. It seems that the only boundaries listed in scripture are that the only two people that should be involved in the excitement are a husband and his wife. This would imply that pornography does not have a place in a marriage, even if it agreed upon between a couple. Neither do things like voyeurism, or public displays of sexuality. Remember that Proverbs 5:16-17 says that the beauty of our sexuality should not be shared with anyone other than our spouse. Beyond that, whatever is mutually agreed upon by a couple and intensifies the intimacy level of a marriage seems to be ok with God.
Lets take the example of lingerie. Some might say, “It’s wrong to make your wife dress up in lingerie…you should love her the way she is!”
In a healthy marriage, it is understandable that a woman would want to look sexy for her husband. For many man, lingerie is definitely one way to do that. Everyone may not share that opinion, and that’s ok. If you don’t think your wife should dress up in lingerie and she doesn’t want to dress up in lingerie than that is fine. However if the husband wants his wife to dress up and the wife is resistant to it than it is probably a great opportunity to sit down and really talk about the underlying issue. This is a very important time for the husband to listen to his wife’s concerns and then relate to her with his patience, love, and understanding.
But to those couples who are in agreement about this…have fun with it! Husbands give your wife some money and let her go shopping at Victoria’s Secret! Remember, the most important thing is that intimacy is being encouraged. Love is about giving, lust is about taking!
Our Response- This doesn’t have a straight across the board answer. It really boils down to the couple. Lingerie, alternate positions, and things used to enhance or mix up sexual pleasure can add some excitement, anticipation, and fun to your sex life. Remember that it is a MYTH that your sex life inside your marriage has to become boring! You can spice things up!
Husbands and wives should be communicating continually about their sex life. A wife should know what pleases her husband and likewise a husband should know what pleases his wife. Sometimes it is hard for a couple to come right out and talk about their sex life. If that’s the case you can break the ice by writing notes. Not only will this make it easier to start the conversation but a lot of times it can also start a great night of sex.
The reality is that the Bible doesn’t forbid “spicing things up” as long as the excitement is limited to a husband with his wife. Hebrews 13:4 tells us that the marriage bed should be kept pure, in reference to adultery and sexual immorality. It seems that the only boundaries listed in scripture are that the only two people that should be involved in the excitement are a husband and his wife. This would imply that pornography does not have a place in a marriage, even if it agreed upon between a couple. Neither do things like voyeurism, or public displays of sexuality. Remember that Proverbs 5:16-17 says that the beauty of our sexuality should not be shared with anyone other than our spouse. Beyond that, whatever is mutually agreed upon by a couple and intensifies the intimacy level of a marriage seems to be ok with God.
Lets take the example of lingerie. Some might say, “It’s wrong to make your wife dress up in lingerie…you should love her the way she is!”
In a healthy marriage, it is understandable that a woman would want to look sexy for her husband. For many man, lingerie is definitely one way to do that. Everyone may not share that opinion, and that’s ok. If you don’t think your wife should dress up in lingerie and she doesn’t want to dress up in lingerie than that is fine. However if the husband wants his wife to dress up and the wife is resistant to it than it is probably a great opportunity to sit down and really talk about the underlying issue. This is a very important time for the husband to listen to his wife’s concerns and then relate to her with his patience, love, and understanding.
But to those couples who are in agreement about this…have fun with it! Husbands give your wife some money and let her go shopping at Victoria’s Secret! Remember, the most important thing is that intimacy is being encouraged. Love is about giving, lust is about taking!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
How often should my spouse and I have sex?
Question: How many times a week does a "healthy" couple have sex?
Our Response: This is a common concern and one of the main reasons people seek marriage counseling. According to Marriage Missions International (www.marriagemissions.com/how-much-sex-is-normal/) 20% of couples are living "sexless" marriages, which means they are having sex less than ten times per year. Additionally, 1/3 of all couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desires. This demonstrates that there are definite concerns and problems in this area of marriages. According to their research only 40% of married couples say they are satisfied with their sex lives.
Before we get to the real heart of this issue, a quick answer to the question is that according to the same research, 1-2 times per week is considered "average". The reality, however, is that sex is an expression of intimacy in marriage.
Intimacy is based on many factors such as honesty, trust, authenticity, respect, and communication. So, a truly healthy sex life begins with open and honest communication about our desires with our spouse. We should be able to communicate our desires and be open to the desires of our spouse. If this does not seem like a conversation that could be had with your spouse the issue might not be sex, but communication.
When trust has been violated (which is often the case when a spouse has discovered their partner engaging in pornographic or extra-marital sexual sin), it requires a deliberate and timely process to restore. Trust has been compared to a savings account, "It is hard to build up and easy to deplete."
Sometimes, our spouses may feel disrespected by our sexual desires. This is common when spouses suggest doing things "a different way", "trying something new", or requests something specific, like oral sex. In situations like this it is important to consider why our spouse feels disrespected. Is there a valid reason for them to feel this way? Are we asking them to engage in something that violates the sanctity of marriage (such as watching pornography while having sex)? Does our request remind them of a situation where they were violated or disrespected in the past? The bottom line is that true love leads to true intimacy between a husband and wife, and true love always puts the other persons needs and desires before our own.
The reality is that if you are completely satisfied with the way your needs are being met and your spouse is completely satisfied with the way their needs are being met, then your sex life is everything it should be no matter how frequent or infrequent you have sex. On the other hand, if you are in a marriage where the sex drives are mismatched, you are not alone. You should make it your goal to move towards accommodating your spouses desires as the intimacy in your marriage grows, in as much as they are honoring to the Lord and to you. Help your spouse to understand what intimacy (not sex) looks like to you. If your spouse communicates this with you, listen carefully and remember that healthy sex is the result of intimacy not the avenue to intimacy.
Other factors that have an impact on sex drives include things like health, age, stress levels, time constraints, and hormonal fluctuations. If you have a serious concern about the sexual health of your marriage, we encourage you to seek a Christian marriage counselor for advise before this leads to larger problems in your marriage.
For some additional resourses visit www.marriagemissions.com.
Our Response: This is a common concern and one of the main reasons people seek marriage counseling. According to Marriage Missions International (www.marriagemissions.com/how-much-sex-is-normal/) 20% of couples are living "sexless" marriages, which means they are having sex less than ten times per year. Additionally, 1/3 of all couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desires. This demonstrates that there are definite concerns and problems in this area of marriages. According to their research only 40% of married couples say they are satisfied with their sex lives.
Before we get to the real heart of this issue, a quick answer to the question is that according to the same research, 1-2 times per week is considered "average". The reality, however, is that sex is an expression of intimacy in marriage.
Intimacy is based on many factors such as honesty, trust, authenticity, respect, and communication. So, a truly healthy sex life begins with open and honest communication about our desires with our spouse. We should be able to communicate our desires and be open to the desires of our spouse. If this does not seem like a conversation that could be had with your spouse the issue might not be sex, but communication.
When trust has been violated (which is often the case when a spouse has discovered their partner engaging in pornographic or extra-marital sexual sin), it requires a deliberate and timely process to restore. Trust has been compared to a savings account, "It is hard to build up and easy to deplete."
Sometimes, our spouses may feel disrespected by our sexual desires. This is common when spouses suggest doing things "a different way", "trying something new", or requests something specific, like oral sex. In situations like this it is important to consider why our spouse feels disrespected. Is there a valid reason for them to feel this way? Are we asking them to engage in something that violates the sanctity of marriage (such as watching pornography while having sex)? Does our request remind them of a situation where they were violated or disrespected in the past? The bottom line is that true love leads to true intimacy between a husband and wife, and true love always puts the other persons needs and desires before our own.
The reality is that if you are completely satisfied with the way your needs are being met and your spouse is completely satisfied with the way their needs are being met, then your sex life is everything it should be no matter how frequent or infrequent you have sex. On the other hand, if you are in a marriage where the sex drives are mismatched, you are not alone. You should make it your goal to move towards accommodating your spouses desires as the intimacy in your marriage grows, in as much as they are honoring to the Lord and to you. Help your spouse to understand what intimacy (not sex) looks like to you. If your spouse communicates this with you, listen carefully and remember that healthy sex is the result of intimacy not the avenue to intimacy.
Other factors that have an impact on sex drives include things like health, age, stress levels, time constraints, and hormonal fluctuations. If you have a serious concern about the sexual health of your marriage, we encourage you to seek a Christian marriage counselor for advise before this leads to larger problems in your marriage.
For some additional resourses visit www.marriagemissions.com.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Our opinion on homosexuality
Questions from readers: Many churches teach different things about Homosexuality. So which is right? Are homosexuals all going to hell? Is it OK to be homosexual? Some churches even have homosexual pastors. Seems like Christians are more confused about this than people who don't go to church, and I am one of them.
Our Thoughts: Homosexuality is a topic that has split the body of Christ and is still very controversial. The problem is that there are extremists on both sides of this argument who both seem to completely ignore the Bible.
People who would argue that homosexuality is not a sin do so based on the argument that homosexuality was defined as sin in Biblical times because of cultural issues with this lifestyle. They would say that homosexuality is no more a sin today than women speaking in church (1 Corinthians 14:34-35), which was a cultural rule that we obviously do not follow in today's culture.
On the other hand, people who believe that God hates homosexuals and that they are condemned to hell would do so based on 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 which lists "homosexuals" among a category of people who will not inherit the Kingdom of God. They would also quote Leviticus 20:13, citing that the act of homosexual sex was punishable by death in the Old Testament.
The problem with both of these stances is that they are not based on the entirety of scripture.
Those who would say that homosexuality was a "cultural sin" fail to recognize that there is not a place in scripture where homosexuality is not addressed as sin. In in both the Old and New Testament, homosexual sex is ALWAYS addressed as sin (references). Let's compare this to a cultural issue, like women being allowed to speak in church. If you read 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 the implication is that women speaking in church is "disgraceful" (cultural), not "sinful" (Biblical). Paul addresses the call to be "submissive" as the Law states. Additionally, God used many women to fulfill his plans and proclaim his truth throughout the entire Bible.
Those who desire to shun and condemn homosexuals to hell based on 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, need to go back and read who else is included in that list..."the sexual immoral, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, thieves, greedy people,drunkards, slanderers, and swindlers". Have you ever stolen something? Have you ever gotten a little too tipsy? Have you ever slandered someone? All of the sins listed are enough to separate a person from the love of God for eternity, if they do not repent and accept Christ as their Savior. But now, lets read the next verse (1 Corinthians 6:11): "And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
So here is our opinion...homosexuality is sin, just like getting drunk, looking at Internet porn, slandering your president, etc. The Body of Christ should offer grace, mercy, and unconditional love to anyone, regardless of what particular sin or expression of sexual brokenness they happen to be struggling with.
Homosexuality is a result of sexual brokenness just like any other sexual sin. We believe a Christian can struggle with homosexuality just like a Christian can struggle with pornography, gluttony (hello pastors), or any other sin when our eyes are not fixed on Jesus (Hebrews 12:1-3).
The church is the place where people should be welcome to come just as they are, no matter who they are, and hear the life-transforming message of the Gospel. I have Christian friends who struggle with homosexuality, and we are glad that Freedom Life Church is a place where those living in lifestyles of homosexuality have felt welcome attending. I pray that never changes. This may make some people feel uncomfortable, but remember that list in 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 the next time you decide you want to judge who is worthy of God's love and who isn't. We are all on a journey together even though we each begin our journey from different places and face unique obstacles.
For more info go to www.exodusinternational.org
Our Thoughts: Homosexuality is a topic that has split the body of Christ and is still very controversial. The problem is that there are extremists on both sides of this argument who both seem to completely ignore the Bible.
People who would argue that homosexuality is not a sin do so based on the argument that homosexuality was defined as sin in Biblical times because of cultural issues with this lifestyle. They would say that homosexuality is no more a sin today than women speaking in church (1 Corinthians 14:34-35), which was a cultural rule that we obviously do not follow in today's culture.
On the other hand, people who believe that God hates homosexuals and that they are condemned to hell would do so based on 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 which lists "homosexuals" among a category of people who will not inherit the Kingdom of God. They would also quote Leviticus 20:13, citing that the act of homosexual sex was punishable by death in the Old Testament.
The problem with both of these stances is that they are not based on the entirety of scripture.
Those who would say that homosexuality was a "cultural sin" fail to recognize that there is not a place in scripture where homosexuality is not addressed as sin. In in both the Old and New Testament, homosexual sex is ALWAYS addressed as sin (references). Let's compare this to a cultural issue, like women being allowed to speak in church. If you read 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 the implication is that women speaking in church is "disgraceful" (cultural), not "sinful" (Biblical). Paul addresses the call to be "submissive" as the Law states. Additionally, God used many women to fulfill his plans and proclaim his truth throughout the entire Bible.
Those who desire to shun and condemn homosexuals to hell based on 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, need to go back and read who else is included in that list..."the sexual immoral, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, thieves, greedy people,drunkards, slanderers, and swindlers". Have you ever stolen something? Have you ever gotten a little too tipsy? Have you ever slandered someone? All of the sins listed are enough to separate a person from the love of God for eternity, if they do not repent and accept Christ as their Savior. But now, lets read the next verse (1 Corinthians 6:11): "And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
So here is our opinion...homosexuality is sin, just like getting drunk, looking at Internet porn, slandering your president, etc. The Body of Christ should offer grace, mercy, and unconditional love to anyone, regardless of what particular sin or expression of sexual brokenness they happen to be struggling with.
Homosexuality is a result of sexual brokenness just like any other sexual sin. We believe a Christian can struggle with homosexuality just like a Christian can struggle with pornography, gluttony (hello pastors), or any other sin when our eyes are not fixed on Jesus (Hebrews 12:1-3).
The church is the place where people should be welcome to come just as they are, no matter who they are, and hear the life-transforming message of the Gospel. I have Christian friends who struggle with homosexuality, and we are glad that Freedom Life Church is a place where those living in lifestyles of homosexuality have felt welcome attending. I pray that never changes. This may make some people feel uncomfortable, but remember that list in 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 the next time you decide you want to judge who is worthy of God's love and who isn't. We are all on a journey together even though we each begin our journey from different places and face unique obstacles.
For more info go to www.exodusinternational.org
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Looking forward to getting started
Well, this weekend we start the series, "Desperate Sex Lives: Love, Dating, and Happily Ever After" by looking at the Power of Love. Looking forward to working with Chris and Dub to respond to your questions!
Be blessed,
Freddy
Be blessed,
Freddy
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